he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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