i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
