I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
