What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
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