I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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