he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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