I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
