Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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