Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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