Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
