Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
