Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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