Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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