Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
