I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
should my penis look like a turkey
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
