it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
