Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
