Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
if only i could text you this smell
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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