The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
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