I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
