She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
