She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
