I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
