She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
