Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
