i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
