I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize