The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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