I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
