y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize