why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
