my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
