An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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