i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
