12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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