Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
