Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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