we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
