I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
