I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
