her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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