I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
