Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
