oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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