He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
