i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
