I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
