shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
