I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
