Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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