We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i would punch a child for taco bell
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Randomize
