i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
