Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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