I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
