I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Randomize
